It’s a bromide that the holiday season can be stressful. There are plenty of reasons for that. Likely you have more social engagements than usual, so you have less time to yourself. You may undertake several seasonal projects with firm deadlines — decorating the house, hosting a party (or a house party), buying presents for kith and kin. And then, of course, this holiday season may be missing some important people or traditions that were part of your happiest holidays, so you may be feeling some sadness or even dread about the upcoming holiday.

I will be dealing with several of these stressors this holiday season. Here is my plan to ensure my holidays stay happy.

Orienting to values

My highest priority is to orient to values whenever threat-oriented emotions are triggered. This is how you ensure you motivate action by love instead of fear. It takes a certain vigilance, which I will remind myself of each morning.

For example, if I notice reluctance toward attending a planned social event because I’m feeling tired, I will take a few minutes to remember that attending is a chosen obligation. There was some value I thought I’d gain from being there, or I wouldn’t have committed. Maybe there is a person I want to get to know better, or I want to celebrate the end of the year with someone, or there are several people I want to connect with, and this occasion is an easy way to do it. Making conscious the rational value I’m after will buck up my energy and ensure I can enjoy the event and come back energized from it.

Dealing with dysfunctional states

Related to orienting to values, I will vigilantly keep an eye out for dysfunctional states so I can reboot my mind. Dysfunctional states are mental states like overload, confusion, conflict, and blankness. I call them dysfunctional states because you literally cannot think when you’re experiencing them. The time you spend in these states is at best a waste of time and at worst self-destructive. And they can hit during the holidays.

For example, the process of sending Christmas cards can unexpectedly drop you into a dysfunctional state. There are a dozen or two small steps to make a custom card and get your lists in order, all of which require thinking. It’s not uncommon to become overloaded, uncertain, or conflicted by one of the steps. Even once you have all of the cards and addresses, there is a potentially tedious job of putting private messages on them. It’s easy to get bored or bogged down doing that.

The solution is to identify the stalled state. In these cases, “the problem contains and suggests its own solution.” If it’s boring, make it more interesting. If you’re overloaded, reduce the load by making a list and/or breaking the project into parts. If you’re uncertain, get clear on what you know and what you need to know.

Dysfunctional states aren’t a problem unless you don’t notice them! Forewarned is forearmed: I will be monitoring for these states so that I don’t waste time in them!

Identifying the personal meaning of the holiday you celebrate

Finally, I will remind myself of the personal meaning of Christmas is to me. This will help me focus on the special value of the holiday season for the rest of December.

I’m not Christian. I don’t observe Christmas for any religious reason. Yet it is an important holiday for me. I’ve found that its meaning has changed over the years.

When I was young, Christmas was all about finding and getting presents. A lot of the fun was figuring out what would be perfect for the others. Some of my fondest memories of the holiday season are of family trips to the mall, in which we’d break up into pairs and trios shopping for each other. But group shopping trips require having the whole family together for a week or so before Christmas.

As we got older, presents became less important and the essence of Christmas became the bonding possible at a family house party. It was the one time of the year we’d get everyone together into the same house — often with a few strays invited as what my mother called “leavening.” Living day and night in the same house, you can have breakfast conversations with one person and midnight conversations with another. All of the conversations are impromptu and bonding. You really find out how the other person is doing when you are living together rather than visiting.

This lovely tradition came to an end once my father decided he’d had enough of winter, so we no longer spent Christmas at the family home in Maine. Without another home that could accommodate us all, we had shorter get-togethers and stayed in hotels and engaged in various group activities. Christmas was more like a family vacation.

The meaning can change

After both my parents passed away, I spent some time trying to figure out the meaning of Christmas for me in the “new normal.” Although my siblings and I make a point of getting together during the holiday season, we don’t typically spend Christmas together. Christmas is now a day I spend at my home with my husband and a few friends.

And yet I still love the holiday season. It took me a while to realize that what I love is the season of “Goodwill to Men.” I love that we decorate our houses and stores and say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” to strangers. I love that this season is focused on benevolence. Let the Christmas music and holiday specials continue to multiply!

And for that reason, I devote more time to decorating the house, scheduling holiday events, and sending cards and presents to friends than I used to. I do this because that is how I express the meaning of this season to me.

As you see, the meaning of the holidays has changed for me over the years. Maybe it has changed for you. If it doesn’t seem to have meaning for you, it’s worth deciding what you want it to mean. Once you know the potential value of the holidays, you can act to gain and keep that value. That is another way you can make the holidays happier.

My sincere wish is that all of my readers have a happy holiday season this year.