Recently I’ve been discussing the need to reboot your thinking when you are in a dysfunctional state. The emotion of despair deserves special attention under this heading. Unlike other emotions, the emotion of despair always indicates a mistake somewhere in your thinking. And because it is so enervating, it requires a definite decision to “reboot.”

The problem with despair

Despair is the emotion based on the expectation that it is impossible to achieve your values. There is no hope. Failure is inevitable. Despair feels metaphysical and all-encompassing. Because success is impossible, you lose all motivation to act. It leaves you curled up in a little ball feeling miserable, or trying to avoid that misery by buffering to feel better.

A typical event that nudges you into despair is trying hard for the nth time and failing yet again. This happened to me the other day when I started to draft a particular chapter in my book for the nth time and I realized it was off, in the same way many previous attempts had been off — despite a lot of effort to avoid that exact problem. Sure enough, I was plunged into despair.

Despair can hit you with respect to your relationships. If you try to have that same difficult conversation with your special someone and you get nowhere, you may be plunged into despair. Or if you still haven’t found that special someone, you can be plunged into despair.

The good news is that examining the idea underlying the despair always pays off in pulling you out of that terrible state of misery. The first thing to do when you feel despair is to identify and validate the apparent cause. What is it that seems so impossible and why does it seem impossible? There are only two kinds of answers to this question: the problem is either out there or in here.

Is the problem out there? 

If you think the problem is out there, you are saying the facts are such that you can’t get what you want. You need to look at those alleged facts and validate them. Are you contextually certain about the facts?

For example, you may realize that your despair comes from wanting what is metaphysically impossible. It is metaphysically impossible for you to be in two places at once. It is metaphysically impossible to create a perpetual motion machine. It is metaphysically impossible to go back in time. It is metaphysically impossible to predict the future without any chance of unforeseen factors affecting your prediction. If you are in despair over something that is metaphysically impossible, you need to see that.

Sometimes what you despair of concerns other people, not metaphysically given facts. The other person could do what you want, so it is not literally impossible. But you have enough experience to conclude that it is not to be expected. So, for example, after many discussions with someone on a given topic, you might conclude that they’re not going to change their minds — at least not in the foreseeable future. Or you conclude that they’re just not going to exert the effort to do what you want. Or the like. This means that whatever you were going after that counted on them is now in jeopardy.

It is painful to realize that there are facts out there — either metaphysically given facts or manmade facts — that mean you cannot gain your values in the way that you had thought. It is normal to be distressed when you realize this. But it should be a temporary state. As soon as you realize that you can’t get what you want because of real facts, you need to change something in what or how you are pursuing your values. Otherwise, you are “fighting reality.”

No “fighting reality”

A clue that you are “fighting reality” is a sense that you are a victim of circumstances. Circumstances are real and need to be accepted. You identify and pursue your values in accordance with the facts, not in defiance of them. If you are stalled railing against facts, it’s time to recognize your part in your distress and despair, and take full personal responsibility for getting what you want.

This takes a thinking process because likely the concrete way you conceptualized your goals is the problem. You need to go abstract and get creative.

For example, if you can’t persuade one person of your ideas, whom can you persuade? If you can’t borrow money from the person you asked, how else could you raise funds? Since you can’t be in two places at once — say, an important meeting and your kid’s championship game — how do you prioritize where you will be and make sure that you maintain your relationships both at work and with your family? Or is there some way to do both using virtual technology?

Realizing you are in despair because you are “fighting reality” is a good thing. It means that you had put the locus of control for achieving your values outside of yourself. To start rebooting your mind, you simply need to accept total responsibility for getting what you want. It is up to you. It’s your skills, your creativity, your choices that matter. That realization may not pull you out of despair, but it will send you in the right direction, because you’ll see the actual problem is “in here.”

When the problem is “in here”

If you see that the problem is you — you lack the persuasive power to change certain people’s minds, or you lack the knowledge of physics to solve a difficult problem, or you lack the willpower to follow through on your intentions without a lot of outside help, etc. — you may feel some self-doubt. That’s an emotion that often underlies despair and it feels even worse. It seems like you can’t get your values because of yourself. It’s “all your fault.”

To reboot your mind and get moving in a constructive direction, you need to inoculate yourself against self-doubt. This is the moment when you say “no” to self-criticism and self-pity. This is when you adopt a “growth” mindset instead of a “fixed” mindset. This is the moment to initiate action to increase your self-esteem.

There is no skill or fact that you cannot learn given enough time. If the values you are after are important enough, you can learn them. If they aren’t, then you can put that energy into something that is worth your time. This is the key to activating sufficient self-esteem when you are in despair. You need to look at what’s important to you. What is worth your attention and effort? It is by reminding yourself that your goal or value is important that you reboot your mind and start looking at, okay, given these newly discovered facts, what do I need to do to get this?

Start from where you are

This process is contextual. It is based on what you know, what you care about, what you can do right now.

Often, people say that they “lack self-esteem” to break out of such a loop. But I think that is based on mistaken theories of self-esteem. All you need to start drawing on self-esteem is to decide, “This is important TO ME, and so I AM WILLING TO WORK to make it happen. Let’s figure it out.” Every time you decide something matters to you, and you’ll do the work to make it happen, you strengthen your values, build skill, gain relevant knowledge. Yes, this makes it easier to pursue goals in the future, but not because of some abstract strengthening of self-esteem — but because of the specific knowledge, values, and skill you’ve developed.

You can always start from where you are to reboot and pull yourself out of despair.

That’s what I did with my chapter after I caught myself in despair. It’s important, so I came up with yet another process to help me consolidate my gains before turning to drafting.

My message to you: despair is not a sinkhole. It is optional.

For more on despair and breaking out of a funk, join the Thinking Lab and take my courses on All About Emotions and The Work of Happiness.